apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I need a beard to bite.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
