she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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