3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
