What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
