Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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