I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
either way he was missing a nipple.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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