I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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