Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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