This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
