he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
