If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
