I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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