i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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