He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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