Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Randomize
