jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
