I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just found puke in my bra..
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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