Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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