hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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