I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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