why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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