"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
My ATM looks so different sober.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
