woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
