you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
