I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
