As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
