I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
