youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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