Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
