Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
