I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
