I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
