I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
