i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
