sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
