I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
