Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
