So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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