I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
