I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize