member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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