cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
