I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
