i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
