There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
