I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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