woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
