we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
