are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
