it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize