if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
