So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
