I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
