I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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