Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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