she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
