Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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