Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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