we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
