why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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